ADHD is often talked about in terms of symptoms. Difficulties with concentration, organisation, impulsivity, restlessness, emotional regulation and time management. We talk about executive functioning, dopamine, medication and strategies for managing everyday life.
But I think there is another conversation worth having.
What does ADHD actually feel like? What does it mean for the people living with it, and what happens to the relationships around them?
My interest in ADHD isn’t just professional. It is personal, too. Through my relationship with my husband and my son, I have experienced some of the complexities of ADHD within family life and intimate relationships. It has given me a perspective that goes beyond reading about diagnostic criteria or understanding the theory. It has shown me how differently ADHD can present, how misunderstood it can be and how much it can influence the way we relate to ourselves and one another.
Looking beyond the behaviour
One of the things I think is particularly important when working with ADHD from a counselling perspective is learning to look beyond the behaviour.
What might appear to be disorganisation could be executive functioning difficulties. What looks like not listening might be difficulty regulating attention. What appears to be a lack of consideration might be impulsivity or difficulties processing information in the moment. And what might look like an overreaction could be an emotional response that feels incredibly intense to the person experiencing it.
This doesn’t mean that ADHD explains or excuses every behaviour. Nor does it mean that the impact on other people should be dismissed. But understanding what might be happening beneath the surface can change the way we respond.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t you just do this?”, perhaps we can become curious about what makes it difficult in the first place.
That shift from judgement to curiosity can be incredibly powerful within a relationship.
ADHD and relationships
ADHD doesn’t exist in isolation. It can influence communication, intimacy, household responsibilities, conflict, emotional connection and the expectations we have of one another.
In relationships, differences in attention, emotional regulation, organisation and communication can sometimes create misunderstandings.
One person might experience their partner as forgetful or distracted, while the other might feel constantly criticised for things they genuinely struggle to manage. One might feel they are carrying too much responsibility, while the other feels they can never quite get things right.
Over time, these patterns can become entrenched.
There can be frustration, resentment, guilt and a sense of not being understood. Sometimes both people can feel that they are trying incredibly hard, but neither feels seen.
My personal experience of ADHD within my relationships has made me particularly aware of how it can affect the dynamics between two people. It has reinforced for me that understanding ADHD is not simply about understanding one person’s brain. It is also about understanding the relationship that develops around it.
There needs to be room for both people’s experiences.
Compassion for someone with ADHD shouldn’t mean that the other person’s needs disappear. Equally, recognising the impact of ADHD-related behaviours shouldn’t mean that the person with ADHD is made to feel fundamentally flawed.
Both experiences can be true at the same time.
Parenting and ADHD
My relationship with ADHD is also deeply personal through my son.
Being alongside a child growing up with ADHD has given me an insight into the challenges that can exist beyond what other people see. The effort involved in navigating everyday expectations, managing emotions, meeting deadlines, maintaining focus and trying to function in environments that aren’t always designed with neurodivergent people in mind.
There can be a huge amount of pressure on young people to fit into systems that don’t necessarily accommodate the way their brains work.
And when they struggle, the narrative can quickly become about motivation, effort or behaviour.
I think we need to be much more careful about the messages young people receive about themselves.
Repeatedly being told that you are lazy, disorganised, disruptive, too sensitive or not reaching your potential can have a lasting impact. Even when those words aren’t explicitly used, a young person can internalise the feeling that they are somehow getting life wrong.
For me, one of the most important things is that my son understands that he doesn’t need to become someone else to be worthy of acceptance, respect and opportunity.
He may need different support, different approaches and different environments. That isn’t a personal failing.
The emotional impact we don’t always talk about
I think one of the less discussed aspects of ADHD is the emotional experience that can sit alongside it.
Some people experience rejection sensitivity, shame, frustration, emotional overwhelm and difficulties regulating intense feelings. There can also be grief around missed opportunities, relationships that haven’t worked out, education experiences or the feeling of constantly having to work harder to achieve things that seem easier for other people.
There is often a complicated relationship with self-worth.
When someone has spent years feeling misunderstood, being told to try harder or receiving criticism for things they find difficult, those experiences can become part of the way they see themselves.
This is where counselling can offer something important.
Therapy isn’t about trying to make someone less ADHD. It isn’t about teaching someone to behave in a way that makes them more convenient for the people around them.
It can be about exploring identity, understanding emotional experiences, recognising internalised shame, developing self-compassion and making sense of the relationships and experiences that have shaped us.
It can also provide space to explore the impact of living alongside someone else’s ADHD.
What can counselling offer?
I believe the starting point is understanding the individual rather than approaching them as a collection of symptoms.
No two people experience ADHD in exactly the same way. Two people with the same diagnosis can have entirely different experiences, strengths, difficulties and support needs.
Counselling can offer space to:
- Explore identity and what ADHD means to you.
- Understand patterns in relationships and communication.
- Work through shame, guilt and feelings of not being good enough.
- Explore emotional regulation and overwhelm.
- Develop a kinder relationship with yourself.
- Understand the impact of past experiences of criticism or misunderstanding.
- Explore the experience of being a partner, parent or family member of someone with ADHD.
A more compassionate way of understanding ADHD
I don’t think we can fully understand ADHD by looking at diagnostic criteria alone.
We need to understand the person, their relationships, their environment and the experiences they have accumulated along the way.
We also need to recognise that ADHD can bring strengths, creativity, energy, curiosity, spontaneity and different ways of thinking, without romanticising it or pretending that the difficulties aren’t real.
My personal experiences have influenced the way I think about ADHD, relationships and the importance of being understood. They have also reinforced something that sits at the heart of my approach to counselling: people deserve to be met with curiosity rather than judgement.
Perhaps the question isn’t always how we help someone fit into the world around them.
Perhaps sometimes we need to ask why the world makes it so difficult for them to belong in the first place.
You don’t need to be less yourself to be more worthy of understanding.
If any of this resonates, you can find out more about my neurodiversity-affirming counselling here.